Free Fall
by LeiLaure
Summary: Post-ep for Never Again. Variation on a well known theme: Mulder is being a jerk, Scully can't take it anymore don't worry, happy ending . Both POV.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: Don't own them, though I wish I did.**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ok, I wrote this some 10 years ago, so it is VERY classical (as far as fanfics are concerned) and melodramatic. No surprise there, just what I wanted to see (at the time) after this episode I loved. I know I don't mention Leonard Betts at all in here, for the simple reason that, due to dubbing schedule, it was aired in France AFTER Never Again (yeah, I know it doesn't make any sense, but that's french network…) So in my mind, the two episodes were not linked in any way, so when I imagined the post ep, I always saw it like this.**

**I never finished this, but I have some more chapters in store if I see anyone is interested, and I will finish it if anyone reads and like it. So don't hesitate to leave reviews. Also, remember English is not my first language…**

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Chapter 1

* * *

Hoover Building – FBI

Basement office

Friday - 4.12pm

* * *

He is punishing me. I mean, I knew he would, but that doesn't make it any easier. Ever since I came back from Philadelphia, and it's been 3 weeks now, he's been distant, cold, almost mean at times.

It's been 3 weeks, and I can't stand it anymore. I have to talk to him. I have to because he deserves to know, even though he didn't ask, I know the doubt is killing him. And I have to because, as I said, I can't stand it anymore. I think those last three weeks have been the most draining of all my time with Mulder. We had times of grief, fear and great sorrow, but in those times we always supported each other.

I had forgotten what it felt like to go through a time like this alone, and I am discovering with horror that I don't know how to anymore. Me, the queen of self-sufficiency, can't make it alone anymore, even if it's only through my own doubts! Isn't it killing? I think if I weren't so sad, I could laugh, but I'm afraid I've forgotten how to do that, too. Let's face it, I'm the saddest woman I know, and it isn't getting any better.

"Scully?"

"Mmmm?"

"Have you seen that case file I was working on earlier?"

That's all I get lately. No more chatting, he even stopped the innuendoes. I can't reasonably say that I miss them… Can I ? Oh, come on Dana, who are you trying to fool? Of course I miss them, I loved it when he flirted with me, it gave me the feeling that what I knew to be impossible was within reach. It made me feel like a woman, not some kind of science-fanatic-ice-queen. Oops, don't go there or you'll get teary again.

"Scully?"

"Sorry, I spaced out for a minute"

"Yeah, I saw. So, that file?"

"No, I haven't seen it. But it must be on your desk."

"I'd know, don't you think?"

Ok, I'm not even going to answer. Everything I do upsets him, everything I say sets him off, and in the last couple of weeks, I've just learnt to put up protective walls against his snappish remarks. Not that I didn't have walls before. But I didn't have walls against Mulder. Never needed to.

I am such an idiot. I managed to hurt deeply the only person I'm really close to, almost getting myself killed in the process. All this for what? To get the illusion that I could get even closer to him. Does that even make any sense at all ? God I wanted Ed to be Mulder. I needed him to be Mulder. I slept with him, but in my mind's eye, I kept seeing Mulder. Until I opened my physical eyes and found myself lying next to a complete stranger. I am so disappointed in myself. I think that's the reason why I don't fight my partner's harshness. Somehow, I deserve it. I should have known better. I should have kept it all a fantasy, instead of trying to give it an ersatz-body.

I guess I skipped the part where "not everything is about you, Mulder". It's true… only most things. In this particular case, it's true that I was glad to feel a man's desire again after all this time, to feel that I could be wanted. But apart from that, it *was* about Mulder. All of it. That I did it because I was stung by his reaction when I told him I had a date, or because I wanted to prove to myself that I did not need him as much as I feared I did, or yet again because I couldn't have him so I borrowed a body and integrated it in my fantasy world, it was about him.

He never would have known. And now, the only way I could really explain would be to tell him how I feel about him. And even then, I'd loose him anyway. He doesn't love me. Sometimes, when he looks at me in a certain way, I almost hope, but then one of these tall, leggy brunettes comes around and I kick myself for letting myself dream. The harder the fall… So, what are my choices? None. I've lost him. Oh my God, I have to leave now, or I'll break down here in front of him.

I try to stifle the sobs that threaten to escape from my throat as I rise and begin packing. The day is not over yet, but I know Mulder won't mind. On the contrary, he'll be relieved if I'm not around. And besides, he's gotten kind of used to it in the last couple of weeks since I can't seem to get through a day without rushing home to cry my eyes out. Today I think I'll only make it to the car.

"Hey, you're going?"

"Mmmm"

"Are you ok?"

Oooh, long time no hear!

"Fine" is all I can manage to choke out.

"Sure, fine, whatever"

Back into snappish mode. It was too good to be true. I'm already out of the office, rushing to my car. There I sit, take one deep breath and let the tears come. I'm too tired to fight them, I've been doing it for too long. And besides, what's the point of being strong ? Look where it got me. I'm sobbing now. I've lost him, I've lost him, I've lost him, I've lost him…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Hoover Building - FBI

Basement Office

Friday - 4.34pm

* * *

God I'm so mad at her! And it makes me even madder that I can't help but worry about her. She runs home on a daily basis now, I wonder what's wrong. Other than the fact that you've been behaving like a bastard for days? Wake up, you dummy! I just can't help it. I tell myself that next time I'll be nice, that I'll try to restore things between us as they were before. But then I see her, and all I can think about is "did she, or didn't she?". Talk about territorial male chauvinist behavior! I mean, she owes me nothing. I even prepared myself for the fact that eventually, one day, she would find a guy….

But I never thought it would hurt that much. Never in a million year. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and torn by wild dogs in front of me. I've been in love with her for what, 3 years? And I thought it was hard to be next to her, touch her, see her hurt, and not tell her? I was a fool ! This is so much worse! Wrenching doesn't even begin to describe what it's like !

I'm going home, there's no point in being there if she's not. Another paradox to come to term with: even though I am absolutely awful to her, I need her more than ever. I need to see her, to feel her in the same room. Then I can let my mind wander to what it would be like to know her, really know her. I mean, I think I know all I can reasonably expect to know from a person with whom I'm not romantically involved. Hell, I think I know her better than her own family !

But I want more. I want her to open up to me, to show me her fissures, show where life have been too hard on her, where, despite of what she says, she hasn't been fine. I want her to allow me to hold her when she hurts. And yes, I want to make love to her. I want to discover what makes her dissolve with pleasure, what makes her loose control. Not that I even have the slightest chance of getting there one day, but hey, a man can dream!

Anyway right now, I'm so mad that even if she appeared butt naked in my flat, I think I couldn't. It'll get better though. I know it will. Soon I'll be able to be normal with her again. I just hope that till then, she won't run away from me.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Dana Scully's apartment

Georgetown

Friday - 6.45pm

* * *

I got home about two hours ago, took a shower, put on my favorite flannel PJs, lit two cinnamon scented candles, and now I'm laying on my couch wrapped in a blanket, listening to some Sheila Chandra CD I got two weeks ago. I'm feeling calmer, an odd sense of resignation has entered me. I heard people say that sometimes, when you reach a certain amount of pain, you find a kind of serenity. I have no more tears. For tonight anyway.

And I've made my mind. I'm gonna talk to him. Tonight. Delaying this won't make it any easier, so I managed to put together some of the old Dana Scully-I'm-a-medical-doctor-and-I-know-how-to-make-decisions-thank-you, and she said the sooner the better.

Of course, there's the other Dana, the one who is head over heels in love with her partner, and who is screaming at me that parting with him will be worst than anything I've ever known. I don't know about that, but we can't carry on like this. A short time from now, he'll come to not being able to bear me anymore, and it'll certainly hurt more if he is the one to send me away.

I pick up the phone and hit speed dial 1. I know he's home by now. The phone rings twice, then

"Mulder"

"It's me."

"What is it?"

"Could you come around this evening? There's something I want to tell you."

"I don't know Scully, I kinda had plans…."

"Please Mulder. I really need to talk to you."

"Wow, Dana Scully admitting need, I must have gone to a parallel universe."

There's no humor in his voice, only bitterness. I cringe, but manage to keep my voice steady.

"Please?…. Mulder?… Please."

Ok, now I'm begging, this is not good.

"Hum, ok, I'll drop by around 8. Do you want me to bring anything?"

"Only yourself."

"Ok, see you then."

"See you."

Well, so far it's going as well as it can. I could have gone to his apartment, specially to tell him what I'm about to, but I felt I would be braver if I was in a familiar place, a place where I feel relatively safe. Besides, if he doesn't like what he hears, and I know he won't, he won't have to throw me out. All he'll have to do is leave.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Fox Mulder's apartment

Friday - 7.16pm

* * *

She wants to talk to me. This must have something to do with my behavior. Maybe she's trying to mend our relationship. I don't know what to do. I really don't. If she had let me a choice, I wouldn't go, but she actually did something I never heard her do. She pleaded. She begged me. This woman surprises me everyday. There's just no way I could say no to a pleading Scully.

Still, I know this is no good. The discussion will probably get emotional, and the more emotional I get, the more difficult it becomes to hide my feelings from her. And even though I'm mad at her right now, I can't afford to loose her because of a lack of self control. I guess I'll have to play it by ear. If it gets too hot, all I'll have to do is leave.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Dana Scully's apartment

Friday - 8.18pm

* * *

He's not gonna come. Fox Mulder may be late about four days out of seven at the office, but he's never, ever, been late at my place. He's too courteous. So his being late can have only two explanations: either he chickened out, or I should start calling every hospital in D.C. I feel the now well known anguish beginning to build in my chest. What could have happened? He is mad at me, it is never a good idea to drive mad. What have I done? What if he had an accident? What if he… just knocked on the door. So much for courtesy. I take a deep breath, steel myself for whatever is to come, and open to him.

"Hey"

"Hey, sorry I'm late, traffic jams…"

Yeah, right. God he looks good, standing in my doorway. I've missed him so much in the last three weeks that his presence in my private space almost makes me crumble. But I hold on to the doorknob and manage to smile.

"It's ok, I was giving you another five minutes before I started calling hospitals."

I can feel tension radiate from him, and I guess mine is not helping to lighten the mood. I try to ease things up a little.

"Do you want anything to drink, wine, coffee, tea…?"

"No, thanks"

There's a pause, then:

"You said you had something you wanted to tell me?"

Well, aren't we in a hurry? I guess it's now or never. As I said, postponing it won't help.

"Sit down, Mulder"

We sit in awkward silence while I try to gather my thoughts. I'm trying to find a way to begin, but the more I look, the more I feel my panic rising, until all I can do is gather the only whisper I have left and say the only thing I've resolved to tell him.

"I slept with him"

There's no other way to put it, and I know me trying to be tactful would only make it worse for him. Besides, it took all the strength I had to utter those four little words. The silence is becoming deafening. I can feel it's just the calm before the storm, and I can't look at him, fascinated instead by the way my hands seem to cling to each other of their own accord. I manage to gather enough of my pragmatic self to try to explain my confession.

"Though one could say it is none of your business, I think you deserved to know. I know you've been wondering, your attitude speaks for itself, and I thought that I could at least save you the trouble of making presumptions."

Since he still doesn't say anything, I finally raise my eyes to look at him. My God. He is just the picture of hurt. The sadness in his eyes scares me, and makes me feel like collapsing on the ground at his feet. But then he puts his blank mask back in place, and I'm left to wonder what's going on in his head.

"Mulder, there's something else…"

"No, there isn't."

His tone is deadly calm.

"Wha…"

"Not now anyway. I'm afraid I need some time to process the information you just gave me."

"Mulder…"

"No, I need some fresh air. I think I'll go for a walk."

I take a moment to make sure that my voice is steady before I ask.

"Are you coming back?"

"…."

"Mulder?"

"I don't know."

And with that he gets up and leaves.

Five minutes, that's all it took. I don't know how I feel right now. I don't think I feel, period. Something in me is broken. He's not coming back. I told him, and now he's gone. He wouldn't even listen to me. He left like he couldn't bear to be in the same room as me. Oh God, now I hurt. It came back just like that. I don't cry, I don't break, I just curl up where I am on the couch, my movements as small as possible, trying not to worsen the ripping pain in my chest that is threatening to smother me.

_(Don't worry people, that's not the end of it! :) )_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Outside Dana Scully's building

Friday - 11.37pm

* * *

I've been walking for nearly three hours now, trying to calm down and get a grip. I must have looked like I was running away from her but… hell, I was! It was either that, or break down in front of her. Or yell at her. Two reactions that would certainly not have made things better between us. Now they are not better, but at least they are not worse.

I'm not madder at her than I was before, strangely I'm almost grateful that she told me. For me there's nothing worse than "not knowing". She knows it. That's why she told me. Even though I have no right to know whatsoever. It hurts more than anything, and it breaks all my hopes and my heart, but at least I won't torture myself anymore with dreams that have no reason to be.

I'm standing outside her building, wondering if I should go back there or not. This is not a good idea. I must be a masochist to want to hear more. But I can't help it. I begin to climb the stairs. I want to know why. I need to know why. Even if it kills me, even if it breaks her, she will answer me.

I knock softly on the door. No answer. Oh no lady, you are not going to shut me out now. I want answers, and I'm gonna get them. I don't think more than 2 seconds. My keys are in my pocket, I use them.

At first I don't see anything, but then my eyes get used to the dark and I am able to guess… her. She is lying on the couch, sleeping. I move closer, I am drawn to her. I don't want to wake her yet. I want to be able to believe, even for one moment, that the woman quietly asleep in front of me is mine, that when she wakes up she'll smile at me and kiss me softly, and that it'll be the same everyday for the rest of my life. I crouch next to the couch to be level with her.

She is literally clutching a pillow, there is a frown on her face, and a lone tear is silently making its way down her cheek to disappear in her hair. She's crying in her sleep. I have never been witness to such a thing, and it moves me so deeply that all I want to do is take her in my arms and never let go. I suddenly realize the courage it must have taken her to talk to me. She is so private. To tell me this, she had to give away her privacy, and I know she did it to try and sort things out between us.

I should just let it go. I know our friendship is as important to her as it is to me, I should be happy with that, try not to feel the twinge of jealousy. I am such an ass. But God, when it comes to that woman, it's as if my reason had no power at all.

I have to wake her, or she'll find me staring and I doubt she'll like it.

"Scully"

"Hmmm…"

"Scully, wake up…"

There is a pause, where she registers my being there, and then she moves rather awkwardly to a sitting position. I get up. I tower over her and all I see is the top of her head. She does not look at me. Then I realize that I don't know what to say, so I say the first thing that comes to my mind.

"You said there was something else…"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Mulder is standing in front of me. I don't look at him, somehow I know that if I do, I'll loose my courage. His height is making me feel even smaller, but I don't care. I am ready. I am ready to jump and free fall into my emotions and my fears, and the smaller I feel the better. I need humility, for once in my life I want to feel small and insignificant, I want to annihilate myself so that I won't feel my pain anymore. I know he won't be there to catch me, I know I will crash at the end of my fall. I don't care. I've lost him, and nothing matters anymore. So why not at least be honest with myself and with him and say what I've been longing to say for awhile now.

"Mulder, I need to tell you why."

There's no reaction, so I take that he wants to hear the rest.

"I lied to you. It was about you, all of it. I didn't sleep with him, Mulder, I slept with you. From the moment he kissed me, I closed my eyes and it was you, only you. I wanted, just for one night, just for one moment, I wanted to believe that… we could be together. Only I couldn't have you, so I borrowed someone else and painted him in your colors. I wanted him to be you. I wanted it so much I ached. And then I woke up, the next morning, and I was scared to death. I was scared out of my mind that I was able to do such a thing just out of missing you in my life. That meant I had reached a point I'd promised myself I would never reach. "

What is happening to me? My voice is breaking and I start to tremble. Falling does that to you, I guess.

"God help me Mulder, I'm so in love with you. I never knew it was possible to love that much. I've never been close to anyone like I am to you, and you are the only one I've ever allowed to… see me, really see me. I knew it was dangerous to let down my walls with you, but I did it anyway, because I… I craved for you. I _craved_ for you. Even though I knew you…did not love me, I let myself get more and more open, to the point where I… I couldn't protect myself anymore, I could not hide. And now, I'm paying the price. I just cannot go on. I've… I've lost you anyway, so I just can't pretend anymore. I am so tired, Mulder. I am so very exhausted, drained by this fight I put up every moment of my life against my emotions, against my fears, my… weaknesses. Tonight, I'm at a place where nothing matters anymore. I just stopped fighting because somewhere along the way, I've stopped being able to fight alone. So here's what's in my heart… I simply don't have the power to hide it anymore. I don't expect anything from you, except maybe to walk through that door and never turn back. I'll ask Skinner for a reassignment on Monday. I know if I stayed around, you'd end up hating me and I… I don't…I don't think I'd be… strong enough to take it."

The last sentence was just above a whisper. I seem to have lost control of my voice, and of my whole self. I'm shaking. I close my eyes to hold back the tears that threaten to fall, and desperately cling to my last shred of dignity. I don't think I've ever been this bare and vulnerable to anyone, not even to myself. This is the first and last time that I can allow myself such an outburst. I know that I'll never reach a level of closeness with another person equal to the one I had with Mulder.

The mere thought of having to spend the rest of my life in a state of utter inner-loneliness is enough to send me spiraling into a sea of despair. I don't think I can hold on much longer. Why doesn't he go? All I want to do know is bury myself so deep in my pain that I won't feel it anymore.

_( Thank you so much for all your reviews, I'm super happy that you like it as it's the first fanfic I've written ever! I'm trying to write the end as quickly as possible, and at the same time working on a Lie to Me fic ... so stay tuned)_


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Scully… look at me"

His voice is unreadable. I can't look at him. Right now, I couldn't stand to see what must be in his eyes, disgust, or worse, pity. Please, Mulder, just go. Please. Don't make this harder for me. I'm pathetic enough as it is. Then I feel his hand cupping my clenched jaw, and before I can stop him he has tilted my head up to face him.

"Dana, look at me, please"

After all, what the hell, nothing matters apart from the growing pain in my chest. I open my eyes. He looks at me, and all I see are his eyes, and they are full of unshed tears, like mine. And then, he says

"Let go, I'll catch you"

That's all it takes. I'm overwhelmed by the wave of sorrow that wrecks my whole body before becoming sobs that I could not control even if my life depended on it. My head falls in my hands and I cry, I cry at the emptiness in my soul, at my loneliness, at my weaknesses and inabilities, at my god damned strength that has kept me away from everyone, from love itself. The sobs are overpowering. My body gives up against my will and bends, and I find myself hugging my ribs and rocking back and forth, trying to comfort myself. Somewhere I hear an animal whimpering, until I realize the sounds are coming from my own throat.

And then, all of a sudden, I'm in Mulder's lap and he's cradling me, cooing soft words in my hair. I cling to him as if he was the only thing I possessed on earth. I hold him so tight that it's as if I wanted to disappear in him. And I do. I want to loose myself in him and never surface again.

I don't know how long we stay like this, but somehow my tears subside along the way. Still I'm afraid to let go, afraid that he's only doing this out of pity for me and that he'll go away as soon as I release my hold of him. So I stay there, my hands buried in his sweater, my head in the crook of his neck. His warmth surrounds me and I feel safe. At last.

_(sorry guys, short chapter, but I thought I'd post the end of Scully's point of view before passing on to Mulder...thanks a lot for all the reviews! )_


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I am in shock. Did I just heard what I thought I heard? She sits in front of me and I can see her shaking. Damnit Fox, say something! My first impulse would be to tell her I love her, but somehow my instincts tell me that in the state she his right now, it would not reach her, and even if it did, she wouldn't believe me. Suddenly I need to see her eyes, as if it could inspire me the right behavior.

"Scully… look at me"

I don't know if she hears me, but her shaking is getting worse, and her hands are twisting in her lap. I have to reach her, she's getting farther from me with each second. I cup her cheek and tilt her head up. Her eyes are closed, but I am knocked down by the look on her face. It's as if waves of pain were assaulting behind her eyelids, and I can say she's using her last strengths to contain them. I feel my own eyes fill with tears as I witness her battle. One thought crosses my mind, "she's gonna break", like the strongest steel made fragile by too much cold.

"Dana, look at me, please"

She does, and I can see in her eyes that she has given up hope. It breaks my heart. The lump in my throat is muting, but still I manage to talk. I don't tell her that I love her. But I say the next best thing.

"Let go, I'll catch you"

I can almost see the last wall breaking as the sobs crash through her. Their violence bends her, her small frame shaking, and I hear her moan like an animal in a trap. I feel that if I let her, she could just drown in her own sorrow. I don't let her. In a second I've sat beside her and enclosed her in my arms. I know there are no words to comfort her, but still I try, whispering against her hair, crying with her, letting my own grief and loneliness mingle with hers. Yet only one sentence is echoing in my head, reverberating endlessly. She's in love with me, she's in love with me, she's in love with me….

* * *

Dana Scully's apartment

Saturday - 00.59am

* * *

I'm sitting here with the woman I love in my arms. I still can't believe what I've seen and heard tonight, but this I know for sure: I'm not letting her go. Not ever. She fell asleep some time ago, drained by her emotional outburst, still clinging to me like there is no tomorrow. Even in her sleep, I can feel her hands clutching me. No words were spoken. We have to talk, but now I know we have all the time in the world to do it.

What she's admitted to me tonight feels like the greatest gift I've ever received. She bared herself to me. I've never, *ever*, seen her admit, or even convey, that she was not strong enough to do anything. Even in the hardest times. I guess that says something about how tired she is right now. Or maybe it says something about how much she loves me… All right, now I'm smiling like an idiot. I have to get her into bed, but I'm so elated to hold her like that. Actually, I don't think I've ever been this happy.

I finally make up my mind, and carry her to her bed. She is so light, it's like carrying a shadow. I deposit her on the bed and try to open her hands. After a few moments, I succeed without waking her, and I'm about to head reluctantly for the couch when I hear a whimper behind me. Then, as I move closer

"Don't….leave me…please…."

Her voice is like a little girl's, and even though I know she's asleep and unconscious of her words, I cannot leave her. We've both been alone for too long, and if "unconscious Dana" wants me to hold her at night, there's no way I'm getting out of here. So I just climb on the bed and spoon her, holding her as close to my body as possible. She lets out a deep sigh and I can feel her body relax against mine. I'm almost glad I've been wiped out by this emotional turmoil, or there is no doubt that my body would react to being so close to her. I'm so exhausted I can't think straight, so I let myself sink into the deepest sleep I've known for the last ten years.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Dana Scully's apartment

Saturday – 9.13am

* * *

At first, I don't understand what I'm doing in my own bed, since I don't remember getting there. Then, as I feel Mulder arms around me, I understand that I must be dreaming. This is such a nice dream. Mulder's scent is surrounding me and I feel warm, safe and rested. Wait a minute, I've never smelled anything in any of my dream before. This can have only two explanations. Either my unconscious has gained a sense, or… .God. I'm wide awake now, and no, it wasn't a dream. I'm in Mulder's arms. I search my mind to find what happened last night, but I can't remember anything after the moment where he held me on the couch. I must have fallen asleep then. But then what, why is he here? Not that I mind, but…

I feel him stir and, by the change in his breathing, wake up. I keep my eyes closed, giving me a few more seconds to figure out the situation. Then I feel his hand brush my hair softly, and I can't keep the shiver to run through my body. He feels it and stops.

"Mulder…"

No answer.

"Mulder… what are you doing here?"

"You, hum, you fell asleep so I carried you to your bed."

My God, he sounds like a child caught with his hands in the cookie's jar. I can feel a small smile wander on my face, and a twinge of hope in my heart. But I don't dare give it too much attention.

"I meant what are you doing in the mentioned bed?"

"You… you asked me to stay."

Ok, now I'm humiliated. I must have babbled in my sleep. I've really lost it. First, I force my partner to witness a life altering emotional breakdown. And as if this was not enough, after he's been compassionate enough to comfort me, I drag him into my bed. I feel tears sting my eyes again, they are so close to the surface now that I've opened the gates. I can't find the strength to move away from him, so I just lay there in silence, trying to regain some control. Then I hear him.

"Scully… it's ok."

Yeah, right. Somehow I find my voice and manage to croak out

"I don't want you to pity me, Mulder."

"Dana, look at me"

Here we go again. I turn around and pause before I dive into his eyes. What I see there, I don't want to believe. It will hurt more. Yet my heart is screaming something at me, but I can't hear it. Or can I?

"Why are you here?"

My voice is a whisper, as if I was afraid to break the silent connection between us.

"Don't you know that by now?"

"No, I don't"

He takes a deep breath and close his eyes, and when he opens them again his gaze takes my breath away.

"I love you Scully. I'm so in love with you that I ache. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. I am so grateful to you for letting me see your soul yesterday night, even if it broke my heart to see you in pain. You are the most beautiful gift I've ever received, I've quit trying to find what I've done to deserve you. And I am so sorry that I was not brave enough to tell you before, because it would have saved you a lot of pain. Please forgive me. Please. The only reason why I get up every morning is because I know I will spend the day with you. I need you in my life, I need you so much it makes me want to scream sometimes. God Dana, I *cherish* you."

I am speechless. A lump is forming in my throat and all I can say is

"Would you think less of me if I cried a little?"

We both laugh at this, and it feels so good, even if it's a teary laugh. I snuggle up closer to him and look in his eyes. I see it there before it happens, so I am not surprised when he lowers his head to mine and brushes my lips with his own. He lingers for a moment, and the mere feel of his lips on mine sends shivers down my spine. We open both our mouths is sync, and let our breaths mingle, before he closes the space between us and locks his lips to mine.

God that man can kiss! I feel like I'm about to dissolve. We explore each other, taking our time. My body is already reacting, just from that one kiss, there is fire in my hips and wetness between my legs. I moan in his mouth and he swallows the sound, delighting in it as if it was a delicacy. I need him, I need him to touch me like I've never needed anyone in my life. Christ, I don't think I've ever *needed* anyone before! I disengage from the kiss to be able to breath. Did he just whimper?

"Mulder"

"Mmm?"

"As much as I love those pajamas… Mulder, undress me, please."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

The look on his face is so full of desire and awe, it makes me want to cry again. No one has ever looked at me with the adoration I see in his eyes right now. I crane my neck and kiss him on the forehead, letting my lips linger there a while. He puts his hand at the base of my neck, in the hollow of my throat, and, softly, so softly, he pushes me back on the bed. I just lay there, letting him look at me. He starts to unbutton my top, and what I see in his eyes when he uncovers my breasts make me shiver. Raw desire. He doesn't touch me, but he starts pulling my pants and panties down, and his look gets even more erotic, if that's possible. Then I am entirely naked in front of him, feeling exposed and vulnerable, but strangely it does not bother me. It feels right, so right.

"Don't move", he whispers.

With that he starts kissing me, and soon I am gasping every time his mouth touches me. This man knows exactly where I like to be kissed. First my eyes, softly, then my temple, then this soft spot behind my ear that send shivers rocketing through my body. The hollow of my throat, the side of my breast, the insides of my hands, he knows everything. I can't stop moaning now, he is going down, but so slowly the wait is agonizing and delicious at the same time. I'm using all I have left of sense not to rock my hips. He starts to talk, and his words are having at least as much effect as his kisses.

"You are so soft, so soft, I want to touch every inch of your skin and write it forever in my memory. God Dana, I can't believe this is not a dream, I've wanted to touch you, to caress you, to hold you for so long."

"Yessss… Mulder, please…"

"You have to promise me something. Promise that you won't hold back, that you will let go every sound, every move that wants to come out of you. I want to SEE you, promise me…"

At this point I regain enough of my senses to form a coherent answer.

"Mulder, I couldn't hold back with you. You're the only one, the only one I trust with … my soul…"

He closes his eyes, and I can feel the tears gathering behind his eyelids. But then he smiles, and the next thing I know, he is sucking my breast and his fingers are teasing my entrance.

"Aaaooohh… God, Mulderrrr…..oh yesss, deeper…."

But instead he sucks harder on my breast, and I whimper in pleasure and frustration combined. My hips rock on the bed, trying involuntarily to get my center closer to him. But he withdraws and a strange sound echoes from my throat. It sounds like…like a plea. I take one second to notice that it's probably the first time I've ever pleaded for anything, before I loose all thoughts as Mulder's mouth descends on me.

His hands are at my hips, and his mouth is unfolding me gently, sending bolts of electricity in my lower back. God, it's been so long, so long that a man hasn't touched me with such love. I don't think no one ever has. A picture of Ed flashes in my mind, but I push him away, reveling in the touch of the man I love.

_(Ok, so I've finally finished my Lie to Me fanfic (I really needed to write that one), so now I'm gonna be able to take time to finish this one properly… Sorry for the delay! __ )_


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